Dear Next Chapter: My children are not coping with loss at all! How can I turn this around? ~ Worried, but hoping

By Deborah Holmen, M.Ed., NBCT, CLC

Dear Worried, but Hoping,

First, take a deep breath and realize you're not alone. Grief is one of life's undeniable hurricanes. When it sweeps through a home, it rearranges everyone—especially our youngest family members.

Seeing the resilience of my students who faced loss opened my eyes to the many children who are quietly suffering. It became clear to me that schools and other organizations hold valuable resources to help these families navigate their grief and find a sense of normalcy in a world that feels turned upside down. There are some other things parents can do, however, to understand where their children may be coming from.

Talking About the Unspeakable

The first and most important thing? Talk (even when you'd rather crawl under a log). Kids learn about emotions by watching us, so model what you feel. Try: "I'm sad right now because I miss Grandma, and sometimes that makes my chest feel tight." This gives them a feeling-word toolbox for those occasions when everything feels like it's exploding (Siegel & Bryson, 2011, The Whole-Brain Child).

When in doubt, let them lead. If a four-year-old wants to ask if Grandpa is sleeping forever, answer honestly—though perhaps skip the phrase "went to sleep" if you ever want bedtime to go smoothly again (Schonfeld & Demaria, 2016, AAP Guidelines on Childhood Grief).

Over the twenty-five years in the classroom with all age groups, grief, although handled differently by each age group, was more easily addressed amongst their peers. There seemed to be a universal understanding between the children, creating a space where there was no judgement, because they were all new to this form of loss. They became each other's support system.

Expect the Unplanned (and the Weird)

Grief in kids isn't always revealed in tears. Sometimes it's giggles at odd moments or an "I don't care" shrug in response to a lost pet. Research shows children "dose" their grief: they hop in and out of sadness like squirrels darting up a tree before returning to the ground, often acting totally "fine" in between bouts of heartbreak (Christ, 2000; Bridges & Kaslow, 2023). Teens, meanwhile, may present as utterly allergic to talking about their feelings or insist that TikTok understands them better than any adult ever will.

This was evident in the classroom. A child may come into a group setting and share something very heavy on their heart, and then moments later, they are giggling about a friend's new haircut and run off playing. They remind me of ducks shaking their tails after a disruption on the pond. Some can just shake it off and move on.

Other things to notice may be bedwetting, trouble at school, intense mood swings that can be frightening, or endearing attempts to control everything (Worden, 1996, Children and Grief). All these are normal. Yes, eye-rolls too—sometimes those are just, you know, being a teen.

When to Seek Help (and When to Just Hold Space)

Nature teaches us that storms leave their mark, but some require extra care. Reach out to a child grief specialist if:

• Your child/teen withdraws completely or seems stuck in sadness/anger for more than a few months,

• Talks about wanting to join the person or pet who died,

• Begins self-harm or really risky habits,

• Or struggles with everyday tasks (eating, sleeping, attending school)

• Trying to control all situations or family members when it's not appropriate

  
  

Childhood bereavement is far more widespread than we realize—one in 12 U.S. children will lose a parent or sibling by age 18 (Judi's House/JAG Institute, Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, 2022). You are not alone! Support groups, school counselors, and pediatricians are branches you can lean on.

Nature's Wisdom: Consider the mighty redwood, which grows resilient because it stands among a forest—sharing resources through an underground network of roots. Children, like trees, weather loss through connection, steady presence, and the ever-healing sunlight of love and routine.

Deborah Holmen is the author of It Takes a Lot of Shit to Grow Beautiful Flowers: A Gardener's Guide to Life, and an educator specializing in personal growth, parenting, relationships, and life transitions. She draws on 25+ years of experience to offer thoughtful advice for navigating new chapters. Do you have a question for Dear Next Chapter? Contact Dear Next Chapter HERE