Dear Next Chapter: How do I navigate my friendships when I can't be happy for them right now? ~ Lonely in Transition

How to Support a Friend’s Happiness While Honoring Your Own Healing

By Deborah Holmen, M.Ed.. NBCT, CLC

Dear Lonely in Transition,

First, let me give you a big virtual hug. You’re not alone—so many people find themselves wrestling with conflicting feelings when life spins in opposite directions for us and those we love. When you’re grieving and your friend is thriving, that contrast can sting like a Florida sunburn, all hot and prickly where you least expect it.

Psychological research backs up what you’re feeling: transitions, especially those involving loss, can leave us emotionally tender and thrown off balance. A 2023 paper in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships notes that friendships often experience stress when one person’s life has taken a dramatic turn—like grief or celebrating new beginnings.

Sometimes, this leads to “relational turbulence,” a scientific term for those rocky patches when your friendship roles and expectations shift unexpectedly. 

Recent studies also show that social support is one of the best predictors of positive adjustment after loss. But here’s the kicker: offering support feels tough when your own emotional cup is running on empty. Grief can shrink our world, making happiness for others sometimes feel like salt in the wound. 

So, what’s a friend to do? First, acknowledge—and even name—your emotions. Researchers say simply identifying and accepting what you feel (envy, sadness, anger) actually reduces their hold on you, creating room for self-compassion.

Next, try to maintain open, honest communication with your friend. Let her know you care about her happiness, but also be honest if you need some space or if certain celebrations are too much at the moment. Most real friends will appreciate your honesty and give you the grace to heal at your own pace. Give yourself permission to step back for a breather when needed.

Strike a balance between connecting with your friend and finding circles where you don’t have to be “the cheerful supporter.” Consider a bereavement support group or grief circle (GriefShare and similar programs are excellent). The science is clear: people who talk openly about their loss—either in peer groups or with a counselor—report lower anxiety and depression long-term. 

Consider starting with a small connection with your friend—a weekly text, a joke, or a shared cup of coffee. You don’t need to fake constant enthusiasm; sometimes, just holding space for each other is what keeps love alive through seasons of joy and sorrow.

We went through this with a family member, which took us by surprise, since we were the happy ones, and they were upset with that. My husband and I were so delighted when our home sold, and we were officially starting our next chapter. I posted our happiness on social media, and moments later our joyfulness was dashed when a family member saw the post.

I could have had my husband handle it, but I wanted to address our family directly. Through a heartfelt conversation, they were able to see our side and understand that we deserved to celebrate our next chapter without diminishing their feelings of loss. It was a conversation that helped to clear the air and acknowledge each other's feelings without diminishing our celebration. It's not always easy, but direct communication is key for mutual understanding.

Nature’s Wisdom: Think of your friendship like a garden: Some flowers bloom early, others wait for their season. Each needs light, water, and time. And sometimes, you have to prune a little, step back, and let nature do her work. Give yourself—and your friendship—grace to grow at its own pace. 

Deborah Holmen is the author of It Takes a Lot of Shit to Grow Beautiful Flowers: A Gardener's Guide to Life, and an educator specializing in personal growth, parenting, relationships, and life transitions. She draws on 25+ years of experience to offer thoughtful advice for navigating new chapters. Do you have a question for Dear Next Chapter? Contact Dear Next Chapter HERE