Dear Next Chapter, Is feeling jealous of a late spouse normal?

Sometimes, I think I'm competing with a ghost! ~ Haunted by Comparison

By Deborah Holmen, M.Ed., NBCT

Dear Haunted by Comparison: Absolutely, jealousy is a normal human emotion. You're not alone. People in new relationships with widowers or widows feel like they're auditioning for a role that's already been cast. It's easy to wonder if you're competing with a memory, especially since the late spouse often gets remembered as a saint (let's be honest, nobody ever tells stories about how they left dishes in the sink). But remember: love isn't a tree with limited branches; there's plenty of space for all kinds of leaves, and your partner's heart can shelter both the memories of seasons past and the promise of new growth.

If you're feeling overshadowed, talk openly with your partner. Let them know how you feel. Chances are, they don't realize you're feeling like the understudy in your own love story. Be sure to stand up for yourself. Your feelings of self-worth and being lovable are essential in developing a healthy relationship, whether you love a second-chance lover or not.

And if the late spouse's portrait starts following you around the house, it's okay to ask for some redecorating! (Don't start a "Clear the Clutter Day" without a conversation with your sweetheart- ghosts have a way of haunting those decisions).

However, if this tendency to idealize the deceased continues, it can lead to prolonged grief or difficulties in moving on, which is supported by the dual process model of grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999). To address this, your partner should engage in grief counseling, which can help reconcile feelings and create a space for both honoring the memory of the loved one and embracing the present. Having them maintain a journal to express emotions and memories can also aid in processing grief and promoting healing.

As they work through these feelings, shifting the focus towards building your unique connection is crucial. The late spouse will always have a special place in your partner's heart, but that doesn't mean there's less space for you. Healthy relationships are about feeling like number one, not number two on the totem pole.

Consider couples counseling or individual support if these feelings persist or affect your happiness. Sometimes, a neutral third party can help you navigate the emotional maze and build a strong foundation for your next chapter. Not everyone is meant to walk the path of dating a widow or widower.

Remember, you're not competing with a ghost- you're building something real and beautiful in the here and now.

Tip to remember: Family photos - Regarding the photos in our home, I chose not to let them disturb me. I cherished the family photos; they felt like a museum showcasing my husband's life and heart. They served as excellent conversation starters. After a year in the home, he decided to redecorate. He displayed the photos in a special area instead of spreading them throughout the house, realizing he needed to respect our next chapter.

Nature's Wisdom: Even the tallest trees require space for their roots. Ensure there's enough room for your relationship to thrive—sunlight, fresh air, and all.

Deborah Holmen is an author and educator specializing in personal growth and life transitions. She draws on 25+ years of experience to offer thoughtful advice for navigating new chapters. Do you have a question for Dear Next Chapter? Contact Dear Next Chapter HERE