Dear Next Chapter: My new partner is a Phoenix, and his adult children treat me like I’m a homewrecker. How do I win them over—or do I even try? ~ Phoenix Lover

By Deborah Holmen, M.Ed., NBCT

Dear Phoenix Lover: For my new readers, a "Phoenix" refers to a widower who has risen from the ashes of his past to find new love. This journey is not an easy one for him. It takes courage to step back into the dating world, which can be a daunting and incredibly challenging experience.

Let's address the elephant (or perhaps the grizzly bear) in the room: grief can cause people to behave in unpredictable ways. His children are not attacking you personally; they are trying to protect their memories of their mother and what they once had as a family.

Understanding their behavior is another animal altogether. By accepting you into their father's life, they are also grappling with their loss. Grief is a deeply personal experience, and the stress of welcoming a new person into their father's life may feel overwhelming for them. Each family member processes death and grief differently, so it's essential to consider that.

It's also not just about grief. Witnessing their father in another relationship can bring feelings of guilt toward his joy, discomfort, protectiveness and jealousy, as well as a renewed sense of grief where their pain resurfaces again.

There's a lot to unpack here, and seeking help from a trained grief counselor can provide invaluable insight into their feelings and behavior. You might learn practical strategies to address their reactions or conclude that the challenges are too significant to overcome. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.

At the beginning of my relationship with my new husband, he had been a widower for three years - I was grateful that I had read articles on dating a widower. It provided a foundation of understanding toward those I would meet and helped me understand their stage of grief.

I also learned not to give up my identity for the sake of my husband's family. This realization didn't happen overnight. There were times I held my tongue, knowing that if I spoke my truth, it would be met with indifference. I stood my ground, understanding that my identity was not for them to decide. This is a journey of self-discovery and empowerment.

There is hope! I feel like I'm now part of the family, though maybe not the first choice for a nail session, haha. They have come to accept that their father needs a companion and deserves to be loved.

Tips on dealing with reluctant family members:

1. Acknowledge Their Feelings

Recognize that the family’s reactions are rooted in loss, not just stubbornness. Let them know you understand their grief and that you’re not trying to erase or replace their mother.

2. Communicate with Compassion

Your partner should have private conversations with his children. He needs to share your feelings and listen to theirs. He should clarify that his new partner is not there to replace anyone, but to add to the family’s story.

3. Move Slowly and Gently

Don’t rush family gatherings or force closeness. Allow relationships to develop naturally over time.

4. Set Boundaries for Respect

While the family doesn’t have to love or even like you, they must treat you with respect. Make it clear that disrespect or hostility won’t be tolerated but also be patient as they adjust.

5. Reassure the Family of Their Place

Your widower partner needs to remind them that his love for them is unwavering and that no one can replace their mother or their role in his life.

6. Involve Them in Small Ways

Invite the family to low-pressure, inclusive activities, such as a casual meal or playing a game they suggest, where everyone can get to know each other without any expectations.

7. Protect Your Partner

Your partner should support you if you are being unfairly labeled or mistreated. However, I also encourage you to be patient and understanding, recognizing the pain that the family is working through.

Approach the situation with gentle honesty and patience, but also remember not to shrink yourself to fit into their comfort zone. As nature teaches us, new growth can sometimes overshadow the old, but with time and sunlight, both can coexist and thrive. Your patience and honesty will pave the way for a harmonious relationship.

Remember Nature's Wisdom: "You're not a weed—you're a wildflower. Bloom anyway."

Deborah Holmen is an author and educator specializing in personal growth and life transitions. She draws on 25+ years of experience to offer thoughtful advice for navigating new chapters. Do you have a question for Dear Next Chapter? Contact Dear Next Chapter HERE