Dear Next Chapter: I feel like an outsider when I'm with his grieving family. How do I balance my needs with theirs? ~ Feeling Left Out

By Deborah Holmen, M.Ed., NBCT

Dear Feeling Left Out,

First, let's take a collective deep breath. If you're reading this, you've already done something incredibly brave: you've stepped into a story that began before you and hope to help write the next chapter. That takes courage, heart, and a willingness to be very uncomfortable for other people's sake. I know you have these things because I've been exactly where you are.

When you're dating or married to a widower, the family's garden is already in full bloom. There are deep roots, cherished memories, and sometimes prickly thorns. It's natural to want to tiptoe around, but remember: you're not a weed. You're a new, beautiful flower, bringing color and life to the landscape. Never shrink yourself to make others feel better. You be you! However, I wish I had known this sooner.

When I entered family gatherings many months after my husband and I started dating, it was evident that they had difficulty wanting to get to know me. No questions were asked about me, my job, my family life, or what I did for fun—nothing. I found myself oversharing when questions were never asked. I was so excited about my daughter and me being a part of a bigger family, since it was just the two of us, yet my expectations sadly fell short. There would be many get-togethers where we were spectators, and time together with them was never spent out for drinks or getting our nails done.

My husband noticed that our family engaged with us in a rather superficial way. After our wedding, they didn’t acknowledge our celebration on social media, yet they quickly shared updates about another party they attended shortly after. While we cherished our special day and moved on, he reflected on their reactions.

He recognized that their lack of engagement might stem from emotional maturity and ongoing grief. Their response, or lack thereof, revealed their struggles to offer the support he needed during this significant moment, highlighting the complexities of the family's dynamics and their disconnect from him.

It is essential to recognize that had the family truly embraced their feelings for me, they might have found a pathway to acceptance regarding their loss. In doing so, they would have been able to acknowledge the painful journey of grief, ultimately becoming stronger and more resilient. Unfortunately, this was not the reality; instead, I became a reminder of their late mother, making it challenging for them to embrace the present and fully accept the past.

Respect the family's healing process and their emotional intelligence, which refers to their ability to understand and manage their own emotions and to recognize and respond to the feelings of others. Grief doesn't keep a tidy calendar. Some days, your presence will be a comfort; other days, it may stir up feelings they're not ready to face. That's not a reflection of your worth. It's simply the river of grief carving new paths, sometimes gently, sometimes with a rush.

Advocating for your needs is essential for you and your partner. Express your feelings constructively. For example, “I” statements can be very effective: “I feel left out during family dinners. I just need you to recognize their behavior toward me.” This kind of communication encourages understanding and empathy. When my husband recognized what I was experiencing without defending his adult children, it demonstrated a profound compassion for my feelings. This mutual respect and openness strengthen our relationship, allowing for greater connection and support.

Here's where persistence comes in. Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is simply show up—again and again. Attend the family gatherings, even if you feel awkward. Offer a listening ear, even when the conversation circles back to them and never to you. Over time, your presence becomes part of the family's new normal. You're not erasing the past; you're helping shape the future.

And when it feels like you're getting nowhere, remember Mother Nature's wisdom: "The river carves its path not by force, but by persistence." You don't need to force acceptance or love. Just keep showing up, being yourself, and letting your kindness and patience speak for you. Also, remember, it is about you and your new love. Your persistence will carve a path to understanding and acceptance.

You're not an intruder—you're a new chapter. Every family story, even those marked by loss, deserves a chance to grow in new, beautiful directions. Your presence is not just tolerated, it's valued and appreciated. You bring a new perspective and love to the family, and that's something to be celebrated.

Nature's Wisdom: "The river carves its path not by force, but by persistence."

Deborah Holmen is the author of It Takes a Lot of Shit to Grow Beautiful Flowers: A Gardener's Guide to Life, and educator specializing in personal growth, parenting, relationships and life transitions. She draws on 25+ years of experience to offer thoughtful advice for navigating new chapters. Do you have a question for Dear Next Chapter? Contact Dear Next Chapter HERE